what's your number

Communication is an endeavor that deserves more importance.

Like many others, I expend a tremendous amount of energy on it. It begins with untangling my own subjective memories, fragmented facts, and—always—emotions. Once I think I know what I want to say, I must consider my audience, figuring out how to deliver my thoughts in a natural, fluid, and genuine tone.

In If I Understood You, Would I Have This Look on My Face?, famous actor and communication advocate Alan Alda states that the burden of the message falls on the deliverer. As much as it bruises my ego to admit it, thinking back on past arguments, it’s hard to deny that delivery changes depending on the audience. But that is only half the story.

After all that effort, I must quickly switch roles, stepping into Active Listener mode. Like a decoder in an endless sequel to A Beautiful Mind, I analyze the other person’s words, emotions, and meaning. Then I pivot to craft a genuine, contemplative, supportive, non-judgmental, and empathetic reply—one that, despite my best intentions, often spirals out of control. (I’m thinking here of some of the more passionate conversations I’ve had with my wife over the years.) Inevitably, I miss her body language, mood, and expectations. I don’t even consider her perception of reality—not right or wrong, just different from mine.

Let’s make this interaction even more challenging: my wife grew up in Colombia, with Spanish as her first language. I grew up in Romania, with Romanian as mine. At home, we speak English. Twelve years into our marriage, we’re still figuring it out. It’s a lifelong hobby, I suppose.

Communication, in many ways, resembles a chess match. Not because you seek to checkmate your partner—hardly a recipe for marital success—but because it demands as much energy as moderate physical activity. It is both mentally and physically exhausting.

Throughout history, people have recognized the creative and destructive power of words, often warning against their misuse. This caution appears in the Bible, the Tao Te Ching, the Bhagavad Gita, Marcus Aurelius’ Meditations, Plato’s Republic, and even the well-worn advice of elementary school teachers: “Think before you speak.” These teachings remind us that simple words can build or break relationships, making tools like “What’s your number?” essential for connection.

Recently, my wife and I started using this simple technique, and it has transformed how we relate to each other. At random times throughout the day, one of us will ask the other, “What’s your number?” The response is a grade from 1 to 10: 1 means I’m physically and emotionally drained, and 10 means I’m having the time of my life. Everything else falls somewhere in between.

Here’s why this strategy works.

First, when you’re exhausted, the last thing you want to do is muster the energy for self-reflection or answer probing questions. As I’ve said, communication is hard. But rating your internal state is almost automatic. It requires minimal effort.

Second, the question functions as a gentle reminder to check in with your partner. It’s like injecting a microdose of mindfulness into both of your days. Because the activity is so quick and low-stakes, it’s easy to make it a habit—and unlikely to cause additional stress. Nobody wants to poke the bear that sleeps inside us all.

Third, it’s a way to remind your partner that you’re there for them. In a few words, you’re saying: Hey, I see you. I’m thinking of you. I love you. I care about how you feel right now, and I want to share in your emotions—whether high or low. It’s a small gesture with the potential to build great intimacy.

Finally, the question opens the door to deeper conversations. What happens next is up to you. Do you ask follow-up questions? Do you try to solve your partner’s problem? How do you comfort them—or share in their glow? Will you practice active listening? Each response has its place, but tread carefully. Your next step could backfire depending on the circumstances. It’s worth discussing how each of you would like to be approached during highs and lows.

Start by asking, “What’s your number?” and see where it takes you.