where do we go from here

It’s tough to be an adult — It’s even tougher to be a child trying to bloom in the cracks of a world built for adults. I constantly remind myself of this while caring for my son. However, there are more moments than I care to admit when my patience wears thin, and I have my own tantrums. Once I calm down and reflect on the situation, I am overcome with shame, guilt, and distrust in my ability to be the parent my son deserves—the parent he needs if I am going to break the cycle of generational trauma—an adult model to pave the way to a fulfilling life.

At times, I listen to Macklemore’s Still Growing Up and accept my own flaws and journey to improvement. In a moment of respite, I permit myself to be less of an idealizing caricature hanging out in the self-help aisle and more me.

At times, I am overwhelmed by global ecological degradation, weather pattern changes, social, political, and economic instability, the dissolution of community, and the loss of safety it once provided. I try to break these fears down —rational and irrational, near versus distant, in versus out of my control — but oftentimes, it feels like I am collecting anxiety Pokémon. My fears have diversified and lingered longer since becoming a father. Is it postpartum depression evolved into a borderline anxiety disorder? Is it a continuation of the existential anxiety that crept its way out of my subconscious at various points in life? Is it a crippling fear of making mistakes—of not being the father I envisioned myself as? Or am I pathologizing a challenging but normal condition of a conscious life?

Parenthood is a journey of self-reflection, discovery, and growth. It is a high-risk, high-return investment—an endeavor without benchmarks, a lonely quest at times. Our children hold a mirror to our faces. The reflected thoughts, emotions, and behaviors are raw, vulnerable, and painful. Any attempts to disillusion and justify ourselves are diffused by their honest, unbiased, and unfiltered expressions. And when we earn their approval? We see a glimpse of the heroes we could be.

The confluence of our past, present, and future manifests itself as our own reflection in our children’s eyes. Simply put, there is no other opportunity to relive an amnesiac childhood, examine the human condition, and experience hypothetical futures beyond our lifelines. To father, is to travel farther — through time, through self-doubt, through echoes of the past. In the spirit of discourse and empathic listening, reflection, and growth, I invite you on this grinding journey — to father, to go farther.

Fa(r)ther